Best Female to Have On Your Side in a Scrap – Patricia Arquette

The Best Supporting Actress winner gave a stirring speech when accepting her award, fighting the cause for gender equality in Hollywood. Imagine her reaction to you getting some unwanted attention from some drunken loser the next time the two of you hit a club. She’d probably smash him (or her, if you’re a bloke) over the head with her trophy and stick it where the sun don’t shine. God forbid they lose your coat in the cloak room.

Best Male for Sharing in Some Banter – JK Simmons

Most people will recognise JK as shouty newspaper editor J.Jameson from the original Spiderman trilogy. But this year’s best Supporting Actor winner has played numerous fast-foul-mouthed characters throughout his career – verbally cutting other onscreen actors down to size with his quick wit and comic delivery. We can’t imagine indulging in a little ‘friendlier’ banter with anybody funnier.

Best Best Friend Ever. Period. – Baymax (Big Hero 6)

We all wanted a robotic friend growing up. I don’t care how cool you think you were as a kid, every single one of us would have given anything for a walking, talking, animatronic best bud. Baymax from Big Hero 6 is an inflatable cyborg who just wants to help people – a little bit like the bigger brother who programmed him in the movie – and would make all other human acquaintances obsolete: “Goodbye, we’ve found ourselves the coolest mate ever!”

Not anymore! We’ve put our heads together and come up with 3 awesome ways to enjoy video games FOR REAL with your mates. Some of them are even better than the originals. Here’s what we found:

Minecraft

Okay, this one is more popular with your nieces and nephews than it would be for you and your mates (although it is totally addicting). We can’t exactly imagine a lot of “spleef” talk down the pub.

Chances are, however, you’re already participating in a little real-life Minecraft without even knowing it. Okay, maybe you aren’t building forts out of sofa cushions anymore, but every time you exhibit a little one-upmanship in the DIY stakes (we’re thinking home cinema, outdoor pizza oven, games room etc.) you’re practically flexing your Minecraft muscles.

Resident Evil

It doesn’t matter who you are, everybody knows this zombie-slaying, shriek-inducing, trouser-staining video game series. And there’s nothing more satisfying than hearing that meaty crunch as you pop a shuffling corpse in the head. Yay!

Zombie Experience lets you and a group of friends enjoy the fun of apocalyptic carnage for real. Team up for the day and battle hordes of authentic-looking walking dead in all sorts of horror movie-inspired locations – live ammo not included.

Mario Kart

This classic is the stuff of childhood memories. It’s also our personal favourite on the list. We even have a copy of the original in the office!

What could be better than smashing your mate’s car with a gigantic red turtle shell? Well, you can’t quite go to those extremes with real-life Go Karting but it sure rivals any video game equivalent in every other aspect.

1. The #Hashtagger

No longer satisfied with Twitter as a means of spreading their pretentious, internet-assembled philosophies, these social media hipsters are now intent on ruining Facebook for everybody too. Trying to remain friends with somebody who constantly uses hashtags on Facebook is like trying to convince yourself that you’re not in a miserable, loveless relationship. Get rid of them now!

2. The ‘smashed that meal’ poster

Sometimes they’re ‘eating clean’ or ‘bulking like a beast’, but in the end it’s just taking a photo of whatever’s in front of them and letting everybody know they’ve finished their meal – what are you, six? Need permission to move on to your pudding? Not until you’ve deleted all these pictures from your account, you can’t!

3. The gym-checker

Apparently, some people can’t go more than an hour without telling us about their ‘need to go to the gym and workout’. Let’s just hope they don’t feel the same about going to the toilet – it all amounts to same thing in our opinion, a load of old… bowel movements.

4. The ‘political selfie’ poster

These do-gooders find something different to rant about every week, like picking a T-Shirt, just so they can wear it and show it off, in an effort to appear ‘more enlightened’ in the eyes of their friends. We’re not saying being opinionated is a bad thing, but when you’re doing it for purely narcissistic reasons, it’s about as irritating as posting a selfie.

5. And our personal favourite

The older relative who tries to ‘check-in’ on nephews and nieces by commenting on their most recent posts, rather than just making a new wall post or sending a private message. That’s one sure way to look way cool in front of your friends.